Exploring and Strengthening Boundaries in Life

Although people don’t usually come to therapy to explore boundary issues in their lives, more often than not boundaries will come up throughout the work. Many people struggle with recognising and imposing suitable, healthy boundaries and so we will take a closer look at them here.

I’ve worked with hundreds (or maybe even thousands) of clients since I qualified as a therapist in 2012.  One of the themes which comes up time and time again in the therapy room is around boundaries.  Often this isn’t the main issue that a client will come in with, but many people do in fact struggle with imposing and maintaining healthy boundaries.   

So what do we mean by a boundary?  Think about it in an extreme case such as the law.  Laws are boundaries imposed by the rulers of a country which tell people what they can’t do.  If those boundaries are crossed or broken, the consequence is arrest and potential imprisonment. 

In everyday life, boundaries focus on an individuals needs, wants and desires.  Due to a variety of reasons, people may put their needs to one side, ignoring what they want for themselves and focusing on what others want instead.  Often this comes from people who feel the need to please and appease others.  Sometimes it can be from low self-esteem and feeling not good enough.  And in some cases this can be the result of an abusive or manipulative partner, friend or family member. 

A lack of boundaries with others can often lead to you feeling disrespected, unimportant and overlooked which in turn can damage your confidence and self-esteem.  It can also breed resentment and anger which if not expressed properly can lead to emotional issues including depression.

However people can often lack boundaries with themselves too. Think about procrastination. It’s a typical example of wanting to play whilst you should be working but lack of boundaries means that you do neither which ends up making you feel down.

When we talk about boundaries, they can either be hard, firm boundaries which are unmovable, like the previous example of the law.  Other boundaries are more flexible and moveable.  The type of boundaries people impose with themselves and others as well as the consequences for breaking those boundaries depends on the situation.   

So what do healthy boundaries look and feel like? Although they vary from situation to situation, in general we’re talking about working out what you need for yourself to live a healthy and happy life and then working out where the boundary sits around it.  For example, when working with people who are in open, non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships, they will agree boundaries with each other around permission to date and sleep with other people as well as the expected communication with each other around their relations with others.  The boundaries are based on what each individual needs to feel safe, cared for, loved and happy in the relationship.  Breaking the boundary by either party could lead to the consequence of the relationship ending.

Another example may be with a friend or family member who you come to realise is being manipulative, abusive or otherwise unhealthy for you. A healthy boundary may be to put a certain amount of distance between you and them or even go through a period of no contact to keep yourself safe, healthy and well.

You may find that when you start imposing boundaries with others, they may not like it and may try various tactics to make you revert to the way you were before. Some people may claim that your boundaries mean you are being selfish, however the reality is, if you don’t look after yourself first, sooner or later you are going to feel sick, burnout, depressed or unwell in some way and then you definitely cannot help others.

If you need any help with boundaries within yourself or with others, please contact our therapy team and see how we can help you! 

West London Counselling, Psychotherapy & Hypnotherapy Services are here to provide professional therapeutic support online via Zoom, over the phone or face to face at our any of our therapy practices in Acton, Chiswick (High Road), Chiswick (South), Ealing (North), Clapham, Ealing Broadway, South Ealing, Hanwell, Kew, Putney & Fulham, Richmond upon Thames and Southfields.

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